Stepping out of the shadows of isolation.

"Step out of the shadows of isolation and into the healing from the One who gives ‘every good and perfect gift’ (James 1:17).”  This sentence from an article I recently read on Familylife.com, really struck a chord with me.  This last few years for me have been all about stepping out of the shadows of isolation to heal.  God has and continues to bless me abundantly with knowledge and support  through my trials.  I was led to a new church community, given the support and information to begin  healing, and sent to Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) with my persistent, truth speaking, dear friend Emily. (She was persistent by encouraging me to continue with BSF even though I thought I wouldn't have it all together to participate.) Through all these things God has led me the direction I always wanted to go, but didn't know how to.  

May 23rd was the last BSF meeting as well as the date of my husband's and my first date twenty years ago.  It was sharing day where you share how BSF helped you grow spiritually.  I shared about how I learned through Paul's example in Acts and his letters to the churches to find joy in the suffering and to persevere. Paul's story is just an amazing testimony.

My husband and I have been separated now for fourteen months. God has used this time to heal me and grow me spiritually.  He has given me a passionate heart for Jesus and revealed some of my spiritual gifts so I may bless others. The Lord has been teaching me how to trust and depend on Him while he walks with me through this.  No matter how worthless and rejected I feel by people, God loves me and has my best interest at heart.  Though it is tough being a single mom, this time has been a blessing for my relationship with my boys.  I have learned how it feels to love and give like God loves us and blesses us.  God has expectations of a Christian wife and mother that was not aware of.  God has led me away from those who tear me down and surrounded me with my brothers and sisters in Christ who build me up.  God has been my strength and courage as I have gone back to school. I will remember this experience to persevere in future trials.  I am just so glad I stepped out of the shadow to be healed and to learn about the life God wants us to live in Christ.  As hard as it is sometimes not to know what is going to happen, the Lord continues to give me peace.  Looking back, I can see how isolated I felt and now I can't imagine going back to that.  It is so freeing and I really want others to experience this.

Even though you are frustrated because can't see the why or how  the situation could possibly be good, remember to focus on the unseen because God's got it covered.  He has given us the perfect gift in Jesus.  Step out of the shadows and into the healing light. Embrace the full life God has given you. It is better than you can imagine.

Having It All Together

Recently I met a friend for lunch.  She breezed in and we sat down in the booth and she asked me how my day had been.  Without pausing I said, "Well, I've cried my makeup off twice today and my husband and I have been at odds, and altogether, it's not that good of a day."  She heaved a huge sigh and said, "I'm so glad to hear you say that!  I was a little afraid to see you today because you always have it together and I don't, and I had no idea what we were going to talk about!  I'm so relieved!"

I was astounded.  Someone was afraid to see me, to have lunch with me because I have it all TOGETHER??  Boy, did I have some things to think about.  We ended up chatting for two hours and got to know each other better but I walked out of there a changed woman.  In my attempt to be competent, to seem capable, was I really creating a false picture of "having it all together" to the point that women were intimidated by me? Hmmm....

I don't have any grand answers except to say I WANT to have it all together and sometimes strive to have it all together, but usually.....daily....I don't.  I get angry.  I sometimes yell.  I lose things.  I fail to send my kids to school with lunch money or the right forms filled out.  I promise I'll iron shirts for my husband and they hang wrinkled in the closet.  He irons them himself.  I go to the grocery store to buy bananas and spend 100$ but come home without bananas!  I mean to get organized but still can't find those receipts I need or the order form for team pictures. I want to make a healthy meal, but we end up eating sloppy joes and tater tots.  I set out to read my Bible daily, but can't seem to make it happen, despite having umpteen Bibles in the house and apps on my iphone AND ipad.  Most days I'm hopeless, yet my friend saw me as having it all together.  Time to take my mask off, right?

I'm so grateful I serve the Lord who sees me for who I am and loves me despite my cobwebby house.  I'm so thankful He promises to never leave me or forsake me, even if my son is the only kid who doesn't get a yearbook because I forgot to order one.  God sees right through to the heart of me and because of His Son, Jesus Christ, He sees a righteous woman.  The mask is off and I'm who I am...warts and all.  I don't have it all together and I never will, but that's ok.  I'm not scary perfect....how about you?

Wanna do lunch?

Forgiveness

Today's post is by Jennifer Blaschke.

 

So here it goes-you will hear part of my ugly struggle with forgiveness and how God blessed me through it all.  God was molding me into the mother he wanted me to be, and showing me how to love the mother I have.

My mom left when I was around 7 years old and my brother was around 4.  I remember some of the most horrible details of that time, like the night we were crying for her and my dad took us to her.  We were sitting in the car parked in front of a restaurant and through the glass I saw my mom w/ another man.   We eventually left and went to the man’s house.   I am sure at the time I did not understand what was going on, but a brick had been laid in the wall I would eventually build between my mom and myself.  That wall grew when a few years later I asked to live with her for the 100^th time and my dad finally took me to her.  I stood there as she told me she could not take me, but what I heard was that she did not want me.  And the wall continued to grow.  While I was building the wall of hatred towards my mom, I was steadily building a pedestal for my dad to stand on.  I adored him.

I know as I read this, some of you are thinking what kind of a mom could do that to her children?  Why would she do that?  Let me take ownership of my part in this and then I will hopefully change your view of my mother.  

I began to act out on my every other Sunday visits with my mom.  I was a brat, disrespectful, disobedient, and just down right mean when I was with her.  I would purposefully destroy things and my favorite were things that were important to her new husband.  As I got older it got worse.  I would write horrible nasty letters to her.  My anger at anything and everything in life was fueled towards this one person.  When really all I wanted was that one person a girl needs……..her mom.

My stepmother is an amazing woman, but she had the difficult task of trying to blend two families together.  She could not fill that void for a mother that I had.  She had her two biological children to help navigate all the changes in their lives as well.    As a child, I did not understand that, but as a woman and a mom.  I totally understand that.  I believe this is where my heart for the orphan began.  God had a plan.  I will have to say that of all the mothers God has blessed me with, I think I am the most like my stepmom and for that I am grateful. 

I lived a life of really no boundaries.   By my early 20’s I was an unwed mother and had a minefield of mistakes and bad decisions in my past.   God brought another  woman into my life that filled a portion of the mother longing I had.  She placed boundaries on me, helped me with my daughter, and most importantly introduced me to this amazing man named Jesus.  She literally changed the direction of my life.  I became transformed.  My heart changed and my focus in life changed.  It was not an easy process, because I could not forgive myself for my past and I could not wrap my head around the fact that God would forgive me.  I remember crying out to him one night as I was driving home, just not understanding how he could forgive me for the way I had lived when I could not even forgive myself.  I felt him say…….”I am God, you are not.”  That stopped me in my tracks.   After that, I was finally able to accept that I was indeed forgiven.  My heart was changed, my mind was changed, but I left a little part closed.

Yes, I accepted that forgiveness from God, but was having a really hard time forgiving my mother.  I could feel God nudging me to allow Him to work in all parts of my heart.  I was holding that one enormous wall separate.  I felt I deserved to keep that part, after all she had abandoned me.  Little by little

the wall began to soften.  I can not say exactly when or how it happened.  It was a gradual process. 

When I let the anger blind my view of her, I did not see her as God saw her.  She was an infant whose father left her, a school girl that was given up by her mom, passed on to her grandparents, then on to her aunt and uncle.  She also spent time in an orphanage.   I, being naïve and young myself expected her to be mother of the year.

I do not remember her telling me any of this.  I heard it in pieces from my father or her mother.  She never made excuses.  She never ever put down my father, even though years later I found out she could have very easily.  My father, who I adore, did not deserve that pedestal I put him on.  He played just as big a part of her leaving as she did.  She carried all the blame and never once complained. 

God worked in my heart and one day I was able to drop the anger I had been carrying.  Forgiving is so freeing, because the not forgiving someone really affects you way more than it does them.  It creates a void between you and the Father.  How could I keep holding on to her wrongs, when He had so easily threw mine away?  Mark 11:25 ESV “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”

Forgiveness caused me to open my eyes to someone other than myself. 

I now see my mom in a whole new light.  She is the one that is always there for the birth of my children. 

She is always ready to come stay when we need to go out of town.  She never ever oversteps her bounds as a mom or a mother in law.  She never gives me parenting advice.  This is something I really respect, because the devil could really use this to trip me up.  She always takes care of the sock basket.  I despise matching socks, so we save them all in a basket for when grandma comes.  I really love the new trend of mismatched socks that all the kids are into now.  I love our sushi visits or horrible movie trips.  We have a nack for picking the worst movies together!  I love our photo booth trips.   She is also the person God used to save my life a few years ago.

She called one day before we left NC and asked if she could visit for a few days.  It was very unlike her to be so spontaneous.  We loved having her, so we said of course.  I ended up having horrible back pains the day she came.  I was not too concerned, because I had done some major moving of stuff to prepare for the packers.  It got worse and we ended up going to the hospital later that night.  Military hospital said I had a kidney infection, gave me antibiotics, and sent me home.  The next day my husband was gone for the day and my mom & 3 yr old Lulu were there.  I got progressively worse.  I kept fainting when I got up, my lips were turning grey, my temp was dropping, and I could not stay lucid.  My mom called Joel to take me to the hospital (civilian).  He came home and rushed me to the ER.  They could not get my blood pressure.  Long story short, my organs were starting to shut down.  My blood had gone septic.  If my mom would not have been there that day, I would not be here today.  I will forever be grateful to her, for being there when I needed her most. 

She is an amazing woman.  I am so thankful that God helped me take the plank out of my eye so that I could see her more clearly.   To see her the way He sees her, as a one of His children.   

Forgiveness is freeing.   You should try it!   

She Knows What I Need

Ethan Pope has some sweet word for his mom, Robin.

Mom is always there when I need help in really anything; if I just need to talk, or if I need moral support, or financial support, or just a friendly and loving presence. She always knows when I need that kind of help too. Take one time recently for example, I was feeling kind of down and lonely at the house and Mom surprised me by coming home and taking me out to lunch at Chik-fil-a. It was a simple gesture but it brought my mood up worlds above where it was, especially being able to just sit down and talk with her; she always has godly words of wisdoms from her experience in both life and through Christ.

Bringing Baby Home

God is our help and our strength, a very present help in times of trouble. Psalm 46:1

The nurse helped us get the baby seat in the car and we left the hospital a family of three.  We posed joyfully by the front door with our newborn son, Evan, and went in to begin our lives as parents.  Then the fun began.

No one told me about the awesome weight of responsibility of raising a child....or maybe they had and I was caught up in the euphoria of pending motherhood and I glossed over that bit.  I think I was more focused on getting the nursery ready and hanging up sweet little outfits to worry much over whether I would be able to cope.  I probably should have payed better attention.

A strange thing began to happen.  Every evening about 4pm, I would start a slow rise to panic.  I had trouble focusing on the tasks at hand, my breathing was a bit more rapid, and I couldn't seem to calm myself.  I tried a hot cup of tea, breathing exercises, mental pep talks, but not much helped.  Day after day this strange feeling would grip me and by the time my husband got home from work, I was a tense mess and he noticed the shaky ground on which I stood.

One day he said to me, "What's wrong that you can't settle down?  Why are you so tense?"  In a rush then, it all came out.  I was a miserable wretch of a mother. I was not going to be able to care for Evan as I should and I knew he would cry in the night and I wouldn't hear him.  I was sure he would stop breathing and again, I would be unaware and he would die.  The tears poured from my eyes as I told my dear husband of my fears and I stood in front of him sure he recognized me now for the fraud I was.  I was not enough.

He gathered me in his arms and said these words.  "You are not alone.  I am here to help you."  The relief that flooded over me at that point was incredible.  To this day, 21 years later, I still remember it and the peace that came from knowing John had my back.

God our Father tells us we are not alone.  He says that nothing is too much for Him to handle and for us to bring our cares to Him because He cares for us.  Whatever we are going through, He's got our backs and we can rest.  Psalm 121:4 says, indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.  We can rest knowing the God of the universe is on call and will be our source of strength when we can't do anymore.

What are you worried about today?  Is it your job (or lack of a job)?  Is it your children?  Maybe you're worried about your health and test results that are pending.  Maybe you've been piling so much on your own shoulders that you are reaching the place of panic.  Allow our Father to put his arms around you and listen to Him when he whispers to you, "You are not alone.  I am here to help you."  

Loving Mommy

DJ Leffin is helping his little girls write for their Mommy.

Mommy do you know how much I love. I wanted to fill your bucket so I am helping the church honor you. I really like it when we play in the garden in the back yard. I like to help. Karis isn't very good at it yet but that's OK because you can teach her. It's fun when Karis and I get to stand on the window with Daddy and say good bye to you in the morning, but I really like it when you come back home again at night because I really love you and we play Sparkle Girl and I just really really love that. I love you to the moon and back.

Alaithia

Mama...glabble bacca dropple. Blaggle blabble koo. Mama stroogle toog blaggle. Bye bye love you.

Karis

After Heartache, Learning to Laugh Again

Brittany Merriman Floyd is our writer today.

Mother’s Day has taken on a whole new meaning to me now that I myself, am a mom.  Growing up I was always very close with my mom, she has taught me so much about so many things. We are so close in fact that often we are mistaken as sisters! I know she will giggle as she reads this because to her this is one of her most cherished compliments, but to me I think, “Wait a minute, how old do you think I am?”  She’s taught me how to love, how to laugh and how to stand up for and believe in myself. She has always been there for me, no matter how much I had felt like I had failed or felt like giving up. We have a special bond, one that at many times has been tested. Through it all though, we’ve managed to become even closer.

 I’ll never forget the times where I’ve felt like no one could possibly ever love me. I had a child as a teenager and married and divorced as a teenager but through my heart break and, as I’m sure you can only imagine, her heart break my mom was with me, loving me when I thought no one could. Her unconditional love is truly one of things I admire most in my mom. Her ability to assess the situation, stay strong and calm through the storm is truly amazing to me. She built me back up after those trying times in my life and taught me how to love and to laugh again. Her model through those circumstances of what a wife and mom should be has made into the mom and wife that I am today. I don’t think it would ever be possible to thank her enough for all she’s done for me.  Thank you mom!

I couldn’t possibly end my post without sharing a funny thought, since after all we are talking about Mother’s Day and I truly have one of the best and most fun moms in town. So I’ll close with a picture. As a kid my mom and I would often be caught in front of a mirror making silly faces at each other. Yes, you can still catch us doing this today! On one occasion we just happened to be in front of a camera…!

I love you mom and Happy Mother’s Day!

Brittany