Forgiveness

Today's post is by Jennifer Blaschke.

 

So here it goes-you will hear part of my ugly struggle with forgiveness and how God blessed me through it all.  God was molding me into the mother he wanted me to be, and showing me how to love the mother I have.

My mom left when I was around 7 years old and my brother was around 4.  I remember some of the most horrible details of that time, like the night we were crying for her and my dad took us to her.  We were sitting in the car parked in front of a restaurant and through the glass I saw my mom w/ another man.   We eventually left and went to the man’s house.   I am sure at the time I did not understand what was going on, but a brick had been laid in the wall I would eventually build between my mom and myself.  That wall grew when a few years later I asked to live with her for the 100^th time and my dad finally took me to her.  I stood there as she told me she could not take me, but what I heard was that she did not want me.  And the wall continued to grow.  While I was building the wall of hatred towards my mom, I was steadily building a pedestal for my dad to stand on.  I adored him.

I know as I read this, some of you are thinking what kind of a mom could do that to her children?  Why would she do that?  Let me take ownership of my part in this and then I will hopefully change your view of my mother.  

I began to act out on my every other Sunday visits with my mom.  I was a brat, disrespectful, disobedient, and just down right mean when I was with her.  I would purposefully destroy things and my favorite were things that were important to her new husband.  As I got older it got worse.  I would write horrible nasty letters to her.  My anger at anything and everything in life was fueled towards this one person.  When really all I wanted was that one person a girl needs……..her mom.

My stepmother is an amazing woman, but she had the difficult task of trying to blend two families together.  She could not fill that void for a mother that I had.  She had her two biological children to help navigate all the changes in their lives as well.    As a child, I did not understand that, but as a woman and a mom.  I totally understand that.  I believe this is where my heart for the orphan began.  God had a plan.  I will have to say that of all the mothers God has blessed me with, I think I am the most like my stepmom and for that I am grateful. 

I lived a life of really no boundaries.   By my early 20’s I was an unwed mother and had a minefield of mistakes and bad decisions in my past.   God brought another  woman into my life that filled a portion of the mother longing I had.  She placed boundaries on me, helped me with my daughter, and most importantly introduced me to this amazing man named Jesus.  She literally changed the direction of my life.  I became transformed.  My heart changed and my focus in life changed.  It was not an easy process, because I could not forgive myself for my past and I could not wrap my head around the fact that God would forgive me.  I remember crying out to him one night as I was driving home, just not understanding how he could forgive me for the way I had lived when I could not even forgive myself.  I felt him say…….”I am God, you are not.”  That stopped me in my tracks.   After that, I was finally able to accept that I was indeed forgiven.  My heart was changed, my mind was changed, but I left a little part closed.

Yes, I accepted that forgiveness from God, but was having a really hard time forgiving my mother.  I could feel God nudging me to allow Him to work in all parts of my heart.  I was holding that one enormous wall separate.  I felt I deserved to keep that part, after all she had abandoned me.  Little by little

the wall began to soften.  I can not say exactly when or how it happened.  It was a gradual process. 

When I let the anger blind my view of her, I did not see her as God saw her.  She was an infant whose father left her, a school girl that was given up by her mom, passed on to her grandparents, then on to her aunt and uncle.  She also spent time in an orphanage.   I, being naïve and young myself expected her to be mother of the year.

I do not remember her telling me any of this.  I heard it in pieces from my father or her mother.  She never made excuses.  She never ever put down my father, even though years later I found out she could have very easily.  My father, who I adore, did not deserve that pedestal I put him on.  He played just as big a part of her leaving as she did.  She carried all the blame and never once complained. 

God worked in my heart and one day I was able to drop the anger I had been carrying.  Forgiving is so freeing, because the not forgiving someone really affects you way more than it does them.  It creates a void between you and the Father.  How could I keep holding on to her wrongs, when He had so easily threw mine away?  Mark 11:25 ESV “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”

Forgiveness caused me to open my eyes to someone other than myself. 

I now see my mom in a whole new light.  She is the one that is always there for the birth of my children. 

She is always ready to come stay when we need to go out of town.  She never ever oversteps her bounds as a mom or a mother in law.  She never gives me parenting advice.  This is something I really respect, because the devil could really use this to trip me up.  She always takes care of the sock basket.  I despise matching socks, so we save them all in a basket for when grandma comes.  I really love the new trend of mismatched socks that all the kids are into now.  I love our sushi visits or horrible movie trips.  We have a nack for picking the worst movies together!  I love our photo booth trips.   She is also the person God used to save my life a few years ago.

She called one day before we left NC and asked if she could visit for a few days.  It was very unlike her to be so spontaneous.  We loved having her, so we said of course.  I ended up having horrible back pains the day she came.  I was not too concerned, because I had done some major moving of stuff to prepare for the packers.  It got worse and we ended up going to the hospital later that night.  Military hospital said I had a kidney infection, gave me antibiotics, and sent me home.  The next day my husband was gone for the day and my mom & 3 yr old Lulu were there.  I got progressively worse.  I kept fainting when I got up, my lips were turning grey, my temp was dropping, and I could not stay lucid.  My mom called Joel to take me to the hospital (civilian).  He came home and rushed me to the ER.  They could not get my blood pressure.  Long story short, my organs were starting to shut down.  My blood had gone septic.  If my mom would not have been there that day, I would not be here today.  I will forever be grateful to her, for being there when I needed her most. 

She is an amazing woman.  I am so thankful that God helped me take the plank out of my eye so that I could see her more clearly.   To see her the way He sees her, as a one of His children.   

Forgiveness is freeing.   You should try it!