W is for Walls

We have two Ws today.  The first is by Julie Corley.  The other will be posted this evening.

I think I missed my calling doing Masonry work because I have become very good at building walls.  I have been building them now for a few years.  I’ve become quite good at it.  I think it occurred to me after several instances of feeling betrayed and hurt that it would be much better to just not be around people.  They cause too much drama, too many hurts, too much pain and anger.  So, slowly I began to build up walls.  Brick by brick.  Hurt by hurt.  I felt like I was safe behind my walls.  It was better back there where no one could get to me.  Pretty soon it didn’t take much at all to cause me to want to add another brick.  My walls got taller and taller.  I threw in a nice comfy chair and sat behind my walls.  No one was going to get to me.  No one was going to hurt me again because no one was getting through and I wasn’t coming out. 

After a while I began to get a little lonely back there.  There’s only so much you can do by yourself.  I peeked out of the small openings  l left and watched other people (especially my fellow Christians) gather and do things and have fun and fellowship.  I thought to myself that I didn’t need them.  I was perfectly fine.   

I found myself more and more peeking out of the little openings.  I began to wish I was a part of what was going on out there but I knew it wasn’t possible.  I’d just get hurt.  I better stay right where I was.  Safe in my walls.  I was like a fairytale princess locked in a tower except that it wasn’t an evil witch that put me there. I put myself there.

After a while the need for Christian, and people fellowship in general, weighed on me heavily.  I fought it hard.  I asked myself “did I really need them?”.  “They are hypocrites and phonies.  They don’t like me anyway so why should I want to be among them?”  Some of them were not always nice but some  were and I began to really miss them. 

The conviction and need for fellowship got so bad that one day that I decided to venture out.  However, I found  that coming out is harder than going in.  I was like a little animal who had been wounded and retreated into a hole.  It comes to the opening to peek it’s head out and if it looks safe, no danger in sight, it will stick it’s head out all the way.  The next day it might come completely out but only by a foot or two.  This is how I was coming out of my walls.  I would venture out just a little but stayed close enough to my walls that I could jump back in quickly if I had to.  Little by little I would venture further out.  I’ve been out of my walls for a few weeks now.  I still stay close enough that I can look back and see them and know they are there if I need them.  My goal though is to be able to walk away completely and leave them in the past like old ruins.