Who Am I, and What was God Thinking!?

Kris Caudle is the writer on the blog today.  Thanks, Kris!! 


Who am I? That’s a good question. Well I’m a mom of three, a wife, an administrative assistant, a co-worker, a friend, a housewife, a patient, etc. I am something to everyone, but who really am I? What makes me, me and why do I even exist on this planet. What was God thinking when he created me? So often I lack purpose, direction, desire, and passion yet God created me with all of these. So why is it that I struggle with knowing who I am and lack self-confidence, security, love, significance, and assurance?

 It all goes back to the beginning of time; well, that is the beginning of my time. God created a vibrant little girl, knowing some day she would claim Him as His very own. He was a proud Papa; He loved her greatly & wanted to give her the world. Unfortunately, He had also created this thing called “free will” and others would use this to try to destroy His precious little girl’s concept of who she really was. They would make her feel unwanted, unloved, invaluable, insignificant and most of all insecure. Although the things these people would say & do were completely unmerited and had no ground for truth, they would far out way everything Abba said was true about her. Why is it, that one little lie can out weight the truth tenfold? Why do we allow a lie or lies to define who we are?

 Everything Abba has ever said or done has been nothing but true, yet someone can come along and say one little negative thing about me and that’s who I claim to be. God says I am precious, greatly loved, & significant, but another says I’m worthless & incapable. Rather than clinging to whom God says I am, I tend to cling to the identity of what others say. All my life I’ve been striving to be who I thought others wanted me to be, rather than just being who God created me to be. I’ve become “others” focused instead of “God” focused and I’ve failed miserably at it. Why? Because there’s no way I can ever satisfy everyone; there will always be someone who wants more than I can give. People are just never satisfied, but God on the other hand expects nothing and has actually given everything. Yet, I still constantly try to get my identity out what others think or say about me. So much so that I’ve completely lost who I am in the process. Ask me what my favorite anything is and you’ll find I can’t answer you. Ask me my opinion of something and you’ll find a roundabout answer. I’ve worked so hard at pleasing others and avoiding conflict, that I’ve completely lost all those unique qualities that make me, me. I so desperately want to be loved, accepted, important, significant, & embraced.

 The questions then is, will I seek these things out in the only one that can truly satisfy my longing or will I continue to seek them out in all the wrong places? I’ve wasted enough of my life trying to achieve the impossible. I think it’s about time I started living life out of the truth rather than out of the lies and reclaim that vibrant little girl God created me to be. It’s time to fill that deep longing to be loved and embraced by stepping into His presence and allowing Him to really take me into His arms. I can’t help but think that I’m not alone in this and I hope that you too will be taking that much needed step.